The True Facts: What we deny, it pursues us. Denying our inner suffering causes us to become „hurt people that hurt others.”
What to Reflect On: Our denied inner sufferings, especially our unresolved emotional heartaches, is the root of our dysfunctional relationships with ourselves and others around us. Releasing our inner light of happiness trapped in our pain, frees our lives and creates a sustainable happiness.
Once Rumi said this in simple words: “Your task is not to seek love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
That was a time before modern psychology. Some depth modern pioneers succeeded Rumi to give us a more detailed map of the unconscious mind, that most of the precious ancient Teachers told us in many ways also. Most notable was Carl Jung creating a bridge from ancient knowledge to modern science of mind. Jung famously believed that we must make our darkness, our unconscious, conscious. If not, he said, it will return to us as fate: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
It follows, then, that if our sufferings remains unconscious, their mental patterns will come to find us as fate. What we deny inwardly, comes to us outwardly. In a culture strong-bent on ignoring itself and looking outward for instant gratulations, it’s no surprise if indeed we found not just a superficial plenty but a deep and pervasive specter as result of denying our inner suffering, our pain and heartache emotions.
Indeed, this is one way to view the fate coming to us in climate change, depression, lack of meaning, pollution, anxiety, psychopathy, food and cravings addiction, and the general pulse of our world. These are only the reactions, the effects for our lack of correct and necessary inner action to resolve our individual pain.
Inner Self-Work Sustainability
The good news is that we are entirely capable of choosing to live different, positive fates. Ironically, we do this in good part by becoming aware of our inner sufferings. We can choose different causes to experience different effects, but our causes must be deep and core-healing enough to create comprehensive results outside us as fate.
We now know no doubt, that early trauma and childhood love deficiencies affect us into adulthood. They determines our relationships, including how we treat others: people, animals, plants, the planet and usually not pleasantly. Unless dealt with, these wounds create protracted suffering, which we displace onto the world because we don’t want to hurt alone and because we can’t bear the burden without discharging it. When we don’t clear and release this pain consciously, we do it unconsciously, thus the roots of our violence on all things. We become “hurt people hurt others.” We are not bad people, we only have and manifest bad mental patterns of suffering.
The way that we discharge—what is called displacement of emotion in psychological terms—is key. When we can’t effectively mitigate our pain, we discharge it through violence and needless destruction, causing more needless suffering. One primary way to discharge this pain responsibly, sustainably and wisely is through grief inner work, by wisely confronting and warmly understanding the pain we have stored away in our subconscious mind.
All this might sound weird, but I invite you to be open-minded to consider and watch it at work in your own life. For example, notice what happens when you don’t address underlying problems in your relationship, when you ignore signs of fatigue and needing to take a rest, when we ignore the pollution we put into the atmosphere in the process of being too busy, when you ignore the pain in your back that later develops into a more serious problem, what happens when we don’t compost and renew the soil or what often happens when you ignore the glitch in your laptop that leads to more serious problems. Notice how unresolved hurt makes people perpetually afraid, angry, bitter, contracted and cruel. All these examples involve noticing just in time and being aware about the difficulties, the sufferings, the pains.
Many spend their days distracted, in their head and too busy, precisely to avoid facing the hurt in their hearts. After all, everything culturally tells us to avoid our pain and seek the shiny and bright, happy and exciting, the life passion. Consider for a moment that this easy and fast ways of bright targets, in denial of the inner true work with suffering, is the real obstacle, that stop us from waking up to the self-empowerment that would make us free of suffering.
In other words, we have trapped our minds in fake concerns, amazing news, miraculous salvations, magical power of gurus, disappearing world, endless conspiracy theories, ephemeral pursuits of pleasures, countless rapid therapies in just a “few steps”. These are distractions from the real obstacle that slips by without our noticing, because most don’t know about the jewel of true happiness that are hidden in the depths of our unconscious. The light and love movement, which we think is alternative, therefore also falls far short from truly empowering us.
Consider that nothing is more fundamental than the true healthy inner seeking. As once Buddha said, the very first step that sets us free is: recognizing our sufferings – because it is the path to inner fulfillment, that makes us not need all the outside gratifications we’re bombarded with night and day.
Until we have identified the pain in our mind, we won’t be able to identify and mitigate it outwardly. We will merely follow to hating some institutions, blaming some others, complaining of our times and craving more food, addictions, miracles and magical powers. Consciously or not, we convince us that our inner sufferings and emotions are to be avoided at all costs. And the easiest way is to run for endless list of shiny, ultimately useless stuff and ideas. Sadly, many buy this message because the alternative – to soberly face his pain until it resolves – seems both scary and overwhelming. This in large part is because we aren’t taught how to do the Inner Transformation work. So, we buy into easy and immediate gratifications – an endless chain of frivolous enjoyment after the next – this is the path of endless sufferings as ancient mind teachings said. Don’t get me wrong, joy in life is absolutely necessary, but in a healthy and hearty way.
The idea is to begin learning how to do the inner work and make this, the new daily normal way of acting. To do this, we have to clean our minds off the fastest, shiny and miraculous methods that ignores our subconscious inner suffering. To this end, we have to work ourselves in a way modeled after cosmic cycles common to all the natural worlds and embedded in ancient authentic mind and body training.
This Inner Transformation work is fundamental because it helps us immediately become people that stop hurting others. It brings truer, sustainable inner and outer peace from the ground up basis. That Inner Transformation unleash the core of our spiritual hearts and minds, that then manifests as wisdom and goodness in the world. Taking the best from old mystics like Rumi or Lao Tzu, from ancient science of mind coming from Taoism, Buddhism and Chinese medicine, from more contemporary Jung, we find now new evidences in modern advances in neuroscience that show our capacity for recreating ourselves through neuroplasticity, also we find new evidences coming from quantum physics that show us the our inner mind power to create our reality.
Jung also said: “Neurosis is a substitute for legitimate suffering.” Legitimate suffering is to deal with our pain, which involves temporary, legitimate suffering. When we don’t deal with our pain, we create perpetual, unreasonable suffering for ourselves and others around us. We need to pass through legitimate and temporary suffering to get out of our old own pattern and create deep, regenerative inner peace. When we uncover our old pains through our inner work, we address the underlying root cause of our dysfunction. Then we can dissolve pains and we can heal ourselves. And no, it’s not enough just to consciously focus on love, because love in practical reality can’t be sustainable or very loving when we don’t eliminate our sufferings. We have to clean all suffering to let happiness shine freely. No more, no less.
Yes, this is not a pretty and flowery, nor an easy fix. It is quite the opposite for short time. But, once we have the courage to face our own pain, this is the only way to have long time results, in order to experience the true happiness in our daily life. Happiness is a inner state of mind, we don’t need to look outside for it. There is nothing to gain, only to purify inner space from suffering. The happiness is our true inner nature.